VampAmber’s Clutter

So yeah, I think I’ve decided something. I’m going to stop looking. Now that my brain is working a little bit better, i realized that I probably didn’t love all those guys I’ve been going after lately, I’ve just loved one or more qualities they’ve possessed. So I’m going to stop chasing, stop getting pointless crushes. No more asking guys out, no more looking around trying to find guys. If somebody asks me out (which won’t happen), I might go out with them. But I’m done looking. And I’m not saying this because if you stop looking, you usually find someone, no. I’m doing this because the pain isn’t worth it, and because I’ve been lying to myself besides. So no more looking, no more flirting.

I’m going to try to stop caring so damn much in more areas than just this, too. I think my big problem is that I care too much, I put everything I have into everything I do, and it exhausts me so terribly. So now, the only 100% activities are going to be trying to get disability, and trying to get back into Wright State. Everything else, I’ll force myself to care less if I have to. I worry too much, because I care too much. See? This might actually work. *crosses fingers*

In other news, I’m fairly certain that I’m sick. I’m dizzy, my head feels full of blood and cotton, and my intestines are trying to eat themselves, I think. It would explain my stomach difficulties, at least. Gyah… I’m thinking of going back to sleep soon (even though it’s not even 1am yet, and I didn’t get up til 5pm…), if that tells you anything. I just hope I can still function when I need to. I need to go into Home Depot tomorrow and quit (though I’m sure I’ve been fired by now, if not for being fired before going into the hospital, then fired for not coming in to work the second I got out). If I can stay away from the bathroom long enough to make the drive. And the room stops spinning. Bleah………..

Lately, it’s just been way too hot. And when it gets hot, I don’t know about you, but I get fairly miserable. There’s something about the heat that just makes me feel so low. I’m probably a bad person, but when I get low, I crave sweets, because the sugar just makes me feel so much better. And reading this article on Gourmet Dark Chocolate just makes me crave it even more. Yum. Normally, I just go out and buy a chocolate candy bar when I want chocolate, but maybe I should start looking into slightly more high-scale chocolatey goodness. I mean, I’ve been wanting to try high quality chocolate for years, because I’m curious just how big of a taste gap there really is. After talking about it this entire post, now I want some. *starts drooling*

I’m starting to wonder if I even know what I want at this point. The school front is right, I know I want that, but everything else is jumbled. Do I want Ben? Or Lee? Or any guy or girl I know? Or do I just want companionship, someone to hug me, hold me, love me, be there with me? I want something that doesn’t exist, I want that right person for me. And instead of having the common sense to wait for them to stop by, I try to force other people into the mold. It never works, because it can’t. People fit in their own mold, not in someone else’s. Maybe this is all just because it’s 6am, and I tend to get drunk with sleep at this point. The sun coming up, it kinda signals when coherency goes out the window.

You know, I almost have to wonder if I’ve already met the right one in my past, but it just wasn’t the right time, you know? Because I’ve had a LOT of crushes. It’d be kind of funny, really, if some guy I knew ages ago came and swooped in, and everything felt right. Or does the right one just not exist?

Maybe it’s just because it’s 6am.

I just know my dreams will be weird now, involving me marrying Aaron the first, or hooking up with some guy I met in grade school or something. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and just dream of shagging Edward Norton. *evil grin* I think I could live with that.

As you may have guessed, I’m back from the hospital. I went in Friday night, shortly after writing my last post if I remember correctly, and I got out late Thursday afternoon. I ended not cutting when I went in, but while I was waiting to see if they were going to send me home or not (and after the bitch they had working the psych part of the E.R. that night made it sound like I was just trying to skip work) I had a bit of a nervous collapse, reminiscent of the time I tried to claw my arm off because if I could find bone, that would mean I was a real person. This time, I was convinced that I was a fake person and that everything I thought, felt, or knew was fake. I tried to peel my scars off, because they were fake and should peel right off. It’s good to know the lady they have there working the late shift can actually make people lose all sense of self and reality so easily. Fucking bitch.

So yeah, I was in the hospital for awhile. They let me out way too damn soon, in my opinion. They all but threw random drugs at me and told me to be on my way. When I asked the doctor if he was sure if I should be going home yet, because all they had me on for my depression was Remeron, and before, that, plus Lithium, plus Serequal wasn’t enough, but he said that I’d have to talk to my psychiatrist about it. In two weeks. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING IN THE HOSPITAL, THEN????????? Fucking ass hats, I swear. So yeah, I’m still trying to stop myself from being suicidal. Been doing a lot of hanging out with Aaron and Tyra, and it’s helping a little. Getting my meds tomorrow, so maybe I’ll be able to sleep again.

I’m starting to think a lot of the crap that was going on in my head was from just being so damn lonely. I mean, when I was dating Jim, we did tons of stuff together, and we did tons of stuff with his friends. I wasn’t lonely much, because I usually had someone around. Well, since singledom has wreaked its havoc on me once again, all that has gone away. Since I’d been mostly hanging with his friends, and they all disappeared when we broke up, I really didn’t socialize much. At work, yeah, but that was a few seconds here, a lunch hour there. Nowhere near enough. And I didn’t “socialize” with the customers. I may have talked, or joked around, but I wasn’t a human being when I was on the clock. They frown on that sort of thing in jobs like that. So yeah, really fucking lonely. Every guy I asked out turned me down, which made me feel the loneliness eating at my soul even moreso than before. One got a girlfriend and ditched me, and the other is too busy mooning over some chick who wouldn’t give him a tissue if it were life and death. Gyah.

The bad bit, though, is what I did whilst in the hospital. I pulled another David: depressed and desperate, I grabbed a naive young guy who thinks that since I actually pay attention to him, that I must be God. And now I don’t know how to fix my mistake. Fuck!

The more people talk to me about my current situation, the worse I feel. My mom just called me, to see if I was feeling better. She wants me to beg bitch Christina for my job back, and the thought alone makes me feel like vomiting. Do I really want to stay at a place where my boss is trying everything in her power to ruin my life? I mean gods, I feel sick about going in to work tomorrow, about going in every day until next Sunday, pretending to every fucking person that I’m not dead on the inside. I seriously feel like I’m going to vomit because of this stuff, and I’m being literal there. No metaphorical vomit for me.

Just thinking about this whole bullshit situation is making me sick. I got zero sleep last night, so I called off from work today. I’m that bad off right now. But does anybody care that this job is destroying what little I have left? No, they’re trying to get me to feel less suicidal so that they can feel better. Fuck all this shit. Maybe I should go to the hospital. I keep wondering how many lithium I’d have to take before I was poisoned beyond repair, or if I could drown myself in the swimming pool before someone noticed. I’m wondering just what combination of chemicals under the sink I’d need to die the fastest. But does anybody care about that? No, they never do. They want me to feel better so they don’t have to bother worrying about me. This whole fucking world sucks. I don’t see why nobody will let me just die. I mean, it’s a simple request, right? If I’m dead, I won’t get abused by damn near every person I meet. I won’t feel so fucking lonely because nobody gives a shit. I won’t be taking advantage of constantly. I won’t hafta worry about how much I’m fucking up everybody else’s lives just by existing. I’ll stop fucking everything up, in fact. The world would be a much better place without me in it. I wish I had never been born, but since I can’t have that, I wish I were dead instead.

I’d go to the hospital right now, check myself in, but everybody would yell at me, get pissed off at me, and that would just make things worse. Pretty much any course of action I take, people will be pissed off at me. That’s pretty much all I do lately: piss people off. And anybody saying that I don’t is a fucking liar. Or they just don’t realize how much I fuck up everything. God fucking damnit, I want to be dead. I want this life to be over. I want oblivion, I want to not think, to not feel, to NOT FUCK EVERYTHING I TOUCH UP! But no, I’ll never get what I want. I’ll get the right help. Maybe the right help doesn’t exist.

I feel sick to my stomach again. I need to quit thinking about this shit. But since I have to be at work in the morning, it’s kinda hard to forget. I wish everybody wouldn’t get so damn pissed off at me for wanting to go to the hospital. It’s what I need, but I’m not allowed to go. Because I don’t know what I need. Everybody else knows what I need, and they’re going to force it on me every chance they get. But I don’t get to be right, I don’t get to know what the healthiest action for me to take would be. Don’t you get it? Everything I know is wrong, that’s what everybody always tells me. Every single fucking person on this planet loves to tell me just how fucking wrong I am. I want some razor blades, I want some poison, a lighter, anything. I want to be dead.

I will never be allowed to be me. I’m not even sure me exists any more. They’ve been telling me it’s wrong for so long. I wish I was allowed to go to the hospital. I want to be dead. Please, gods, let me die already.

Almost ended up in the hospital again last night. It seemed like all I ever did was fail. The thing that set me off was figuring out that I was fired. No one had the common courtesy to come up and tell me, but I managed to figure it out. After next week, I’m no longer on the schedule. My name is gone, but everybody else is still on it. I asked Tim about it, hoping he’d heard something, but he hadn’t, and told me to ask either the hiring manager or the front end supervisor. Well, I finally spotted the hiring manager, and asked her. She said I had to ask the front end supervisor about it. Now, if it was a mistake that I wasn’t on there, or if I’d been transfered to another department, she would have told me so. The fact that she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) tell me means that I’m pretty much fired. Now, right from the get-go, Christina, my front end supervisor, hated my guts. She would go out of her way to make my work day miserable. She would cut all my breaks, yell at me for not being able to get ahold of an associate that SHE had been chatting to for no reason. She hated me, pure and simple. I think it was because I didn’t start worshiping her immediately. I’m sorry, but I don’t bow down to incompetent bitches.

So yeah, this makes three jobs that have fired me by taking my name off the schedule, and not telling me anything until I asked why. McDonald’s, Kroger’s, and now Home Depot. Whee… So I guess I get to start looking for a new job soon. I’m half tempted to just cal off each day that I work for the next week, and go out job hunting instead. You know, since I’m already fired and such.

But it wasn’t just the job that made me go into meltdown last night. It’s the fact that I’ve been failing at pretty much everything I’ve been trying lately. I can’t get a date to save my life. Ben turned me down, and then Lee did too. I swear, I’m going to be that crazy old cat lady spinster at this rate.

Then there’s the accident at the library. I scratched some lady’s car, and the cop treated me worse than shit. I seriously hope he dies in a fire or something. Same goes for bitch boss.

So pretty much the only reason I didn’t end up in the hospital is the fact that my friends Joe and Nessa were talking to me on Facebook, helping me feel a bit better. I mean, I still feel like absolute shit right now, I’m pretty sure this is one of my lowest parts, but at least I’m not carving up my wrist like I did on Sunday. Though at the end of work last night, I did see if one of those box cutter things they have would cut very well. It didn’t, so Amber got no blood. *shrugs*

I need to find a healthy environment to work in. One that isn’t going to firing for not brown nosing my boss enough. I don’t do that sucking up thing very well, especially when it’s someone who REALLY doesn’t deserve it. Hence, no sucking up at Home Depot. My mom’s the same way. She wouldn’t suck up to the RNs at work, so they all treated her like shit.

I still hate my life, but at least now I’ll agree to the fact that it might get better. Not for awhile, obviously, because I’m still single, unemployed in about a week, and in almost $100,000 worth of debt, but at least there’s a possibility that some day it won’t suck quite as bad. Hopefully.

Lately, I keep getting emails from my web host provider, talking about all the great sales they’re having for new domains, which makes me wonder if I picked the right company. I mean, they weren’t having all those neat sales when I signed up. But the thing was, I didn’t know how to go about finding which web hosting service is the best to buy from. Kinda wish I’d found Web Hosting Geeks a year or so ago, might’ve saved a bit of money. Seriously, though, if you’re interested in getting a new website of your own, or just feel like changing web hosting companies (I’ve heard of a few that are bad news to everybody, so sometimes it’s a good idea to change), you oughta check those guys out. On the very first screen, even, they have a list of ten great companies to use, and all of them under ten dollars. That pretty much sold me. They even have a pretty good blog going on, too. There’s this one article about domain name flipping that was actually pretty entertaining. I’d heard of flipping houses, but never knew people did it for domains. I think when my time is up at my current host, I might have to dig around this site for new ideas. I’m always more than happy to save a few bucks. ^_^

Yeah, that’s pretty much my life lately. Last Monday, I went to the library to get my books, and scratched some woman’s car. The cop was an absolute dick to me, and it sent me onto a nice depressive path. I was pretty low. But my friends managed to cheer me up. I loves my Sheena and my Christye.

Well, then on Sunday, the depression proved that it hadn’t left, it was just in hiding, building its power. Almost admitted myself to the hospital, it was that bad. Ended up being saved by my friends, again. And since Sunday, I’ve been working on feeling better, and it seems to be going well enough. I have my center back, but it sucked that I had to be reminded so painfully that even if I’m centered, I still have depression. Couldn’t have I just got a memo, instead?

Oh well, at least I got some Plexiglas for my car. I’m going to take it up to my mom’s place, and have her cut it and help me fit it into my empty window. It’ll be nice not to have to be rained on every time. ^_^

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I definitely need to start wearing more dresses. I decided this yesterday when I wore a dress to the birthday party I went to. It’s quite nice to actually dress like a girl for a change. The bad part is, though, is that now I’m going to have to go out and buy a whole mess load of dresses so that I can start wearing them. But at least I’ll have a lo9t of different types to choose from, especially if I order one online. I happened upon this one website that carries the Stop Staring clothing line. It’s all pretty much vintage and retro stuff, which I absolutely love anyway, so it made me quite happy. I was looking through all the beautiful dresses, drooling over pretty much all of them. I was even looking at and considering their rockabilly dress selections. They’re all quite nice. Not what I thought rockabilly was, but then again, now that I think about it, I never did know exactly what was considered rockabilly. If it’s all like those dresses, I am definitely all for it. But seriously, if you like the look of older styles of dresses (but not quite as old as renaissance…), then I suggest you look up some Stop Staring clothing. Apparently, even some famous women in Hollywood have worn some of these dresses, which I think is pretty cool, all things considered. They’re obviously awesome enough to merit it, or I wouldn’t be writing about them. ^_^